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About Me
name: j.k.a
location: canada
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Image by Kurt Hasley Frederiksen
January 02, 2007
decidedly unremarkable
their ears laboured to decipher any sound
but one by one they lost interest and fell away
now time moves along with a slight frown
-j.k.a.
I speak a string of cobwebs
that hang loosely in the twilight
and glisten with the morning dew
that comes in from the east
I was hoping to catch words
or maybe your attention
but neither did concern me in the least
-j.k.a.
dangling like whispers
off your coat strings
turning everything we say
into tiny cliffs
that leave us both hanging
for so many words
when I feel like just moving on
-j.k.a
if anything
I will see parallel
and remember the days
walking cloudy and thin-tongued.
when the best we could see
was running out without warning
or a sense of loss
but the future knew
even as we were oblivious to reason
and now, I can understand
-j.k.a
I think of time
and who better understands time
than the hours, endless,
with seconds darting like spots before their eyes?
-j.k.a.
When I wrote that, I was thinking in lavender
and I lifted up the covers
despite the protest of my weak arms
I stood and shouted for I don't know how long
until finally, I let go.
-j.k.a.
there's a darkness that creeps
against all reasoning,
binding you in silence, cotton mouthed with fear.
it's laughable, almost
but not really.
- j.k.a.
the day felt like air brakes. like waves of heat blasting from a steel pipe, in shimmering lines that made you wonder whether it was you or the background that was slowly withering. recycling your last exhalation made you hesitant to breathe, the fan suddenly sinister and provoking.
smothering sheets exaggerated a thickness in your thoughts, the night was so close. when at last you slept, your body still knew, and waited.
-j.k.a.
commands are such empowering things
as they rise high and sharp with tall shadows
(I think of hawks, and talons)
-j.k.a
it's awestruck, verbally triumphant and mystical. you've looked up, and the same skyline is smothering already, even with a half moon. why they think you dream in celestial hues and unearthly logic has always been a source of contention, although to expand past the last breath would surely ease some discomfort, or lift the horizon off your chest. rather than a rounded glance, you could feel the sting fall from that last retort, as the first star blinked from an eternity away, 'I'm sorry'.
-j.k.a
I thought, wait a minute,
this thing that we're depending on
could consist of nothing more or less
and how the weakest strength is enough,
I'll never know
-j.k.a
it was stanger than inspiration, this odd cluster sequence that glared your name in lights and flashing letters. you felt exposed, till you realized it wasn't about you, but someone else. you alway felt uncomfortable with knowledge and open displays of affection, or awkward combinations of the two. feeling sorry for people you were reading in full sentences, while they were busy being proud of scratches of ink on their forearms, pointing, laughing, congratulating themselves on being mysteries. you walk past, saying out loud things that make their eyes widen, translating from flesh the fear of self, causing statements to run together in smears, leaving bewildered throngs of people wandering the streets, showing smudges to each other, asking in anguish, "did you know?"
-j.k.a
green and black disputed nothing
they just sat.
in stony silence
and long shifts of awkward ease.
when pleaded with to see reason,
they replied, "let us alone, we can't be bothered!"
-j.k.s.
in the the cool grip of moonlit ease the brushing of eyelashes against pillows keeps you awake, and incoherent as it sounds, the sweeps of motion are telling you secrets, if only you could decode the garish tounge spoken behind closed eyes.
-j.k.s.
nothing! without fire
makes such a circumstance
beckoning from house shapes that stand still
nothing! on difficult days
but twists of smoke from rooftops
to let off steam
-j.k.a
good morrow!
I must have shouted,
for suddenly he seemed so serious
and replied with a grave nod
good night, my child
-j.k.s.
a forceful rush downwards
the air splits and knits itself together again
with loose stitches it was hastily mended
but the angry wind will not be held
in that second there was division
and inevitably, we are not all as before.
-j.k.a
wrapped too tight around your arms
is how you'd always thought it would feel
with short shallow breaths and burning skin,
real or imagined the constraint is fear
and wounds as it frays are from friction
-j.ka
on a night wind-tossed and hostile
surrounded by space you never minded before
you woke up and a sigh escaped your lips
harbouring a second opinion is not what concerns you
as much as the way you feel your soul being shaken
something is sure to follow as always, be it morning or beauty
but why always at the cost of darkness?
-j.k.a
December 16, 2003
what is it now?
something new to talk about
you like her, I think he's cute
go ahead and make your move
we'll speak from love to spite
each other out of mind and sight
don't open your mouth
why do this to ourselves
stubborn policy to save face
didn't do much to keep us safe
it's so easy just to stay
in such consciously bad taste
what a waste
November 15, 2003
scratching the surface
leaves a mark like a needle on glass
pain seen but not felt
pierces my pale skin unflinching
bloodless grace as this
has left me in the shadows of heaven
asking for a miracle
with a silent voice
hear this whispered prayer
I shiver motionless
as I see a reflection in your eyes
of this hollow shapless form
clutchingthe edges
where cold creeps in and twists it's knife
through a tattered jacket much to worn
asking for a miracle
take away the shame
let me stand before you
trembling hand slowly
reach to grasp the corner of your robe
faith torn and years now bleeding
has left me weak and frail
hope of redemption unspoken
in these outstretched fingers pleading
asking for a miracle
my flesh brushes cloth
make this holy ground
please make this holy ground
October 21, 2003
after thursday let you down
maybe it'll all be different now
and they don't know you like I would
maybe that's okay
maybe it's good
all the early mornings
all the filtered lights
all the boys and girls
don't they play so nice
well I
never could live like that
yeah I
never could live like that
so come on, grab your coat let's go
get out of here no one will know
come on and leave it all behind
won't you hurry up
you know it's time
(chorous)
yeah I
never could live like that
so here I go
huh. there's almost a full moon tonight. I can see it in the top of my window, cold and white. maybe it isn't the moon at all. maybe someone stole the moon and is projecting an image of it and we'll never know the difference.
the smell of stale cigarettes greets me as I slide the key in the lock. my mind recalls a vauge familiarity, and then it's gone.
she was a lot like the moon that way. you either loved her light or hated the darkness that came hand in hand. people were moved by her rising and setting like the tides, and some of them are still lost at sea today.
once again proving that subtleness
lurks as far as the space between two people
and as close as one more chance
sending consolation across the room
for certainty never is.
invented oxymoron of the day: personable anomynity
dreamland?
and I kept telling them over and over that they needed a metal spoon, and rollie pollie ollie would be just fine.....
optical illusions
I looked into my mug and saw the reflection of the clouds on the shimmering liquid surface, and it felt like I was drinking the sky.
after all, a promise is a promise.
so noah can keep his rainbow. I was never worried about global flooding anyway.
when you think of me you said
and I'm off and running
isn't it funny how
you never could say so
but move this over a bit more
and watch us both make room
watch us clear out some room
blinking phone messages and tired fingers
revelation and apathy. moving thoughts and stalling hearts.
I know this feeling
"oh."
she sighed, as if it made any difference.
arching deftly through late definitions, finding common ground in colour and self depreciating humor.
I'm sorry
"well, it's good that you have this job, now you can forget about school."
my concern wasn't finding a job for the purpose of avoiding school. and my concern wasn't attending school in order to advance my career opportunities. but I guess since I don't have to worry about learning anything now for the rest of my life, I shouldn't care.
the world makes sense from fire escapes and heavy eyelids.
if life had an awkward pause, I think this would be it.
look, a talking tree!
I wish it wasn't so cold. or dark. I would go and sit by the water and wait to grow old and petrified. parents would pass by, shake their heads and remark to their children, see, that's what happens if you don't get a good education.
and I would say, no silly, that's not it at all.
my thoughts have been so scattered and disconnected today that my head feels empty. maybe not empty, but full of weightless ideas that make me think of tiny dust specks floating around in the shafts of light let in when my eyes are open.
ever have that feeling?
realizing former assumptions
and fifteenth avenue would never meet
I took the long way home
a concrete marathon of changing perspectives
can't tell the reasons for the explanations
so its around the block twice
and into my head again
when the sun goes down, it's so dark
daylight sticks to the roof of your mouth
when you make up your mind
the best time for leaving is now
tall and lingering, against closed eyes
against cold thoughts
against lamposts and summer nights
a year from now, we'll still be working late
saying the same things
about clint eastwood and new york
pretending to make good impressions
on bad choices, on wrong motives
but that third step was always too low
and you never did like walking me home
collapsing into detail
your word against mine
our knees scraped from falling
the thing that made you anxious
wasn't going to change the world
it never changed the world.
you were starry-eyed and translucent like skin with no strength, absorbing smog as fast as consciousness itself. floating on sound waves and a curl of vapor from your lips. the atmosphere thick with dreams of shining metal and concrete high-rises. go, sprawl out along the avenue
requesting a temporary pause
you leave me like midnight and hard sound
contrary to the forward motion of watches and light
holding on to screened images and layers of warmth
textured voices conceal the difference
that only a minute makes
deserted by a sense
of implication
every thought leads
to complication
places swim in my head
telling me that I'm sorry
was it something I said
or was there something more
a thousand black squares obstruct my vision
is it wrong to assume that innocent is honest?
but what if it's safe, and easy to come by
not under false pretense or conscious effort
but jumping to conclusions, watch where you land
my perspective aways changes
like a brick wall and the din of tv
absorbed with finding out who made it
secure on the list of monotony
I was going to call you up tonight
ask you to come, walk a while at my side
talk with me, about nothing and everything
we could have told each other things
that the night would hold secret in it's wisdom
letting the darkness weave a spell over us
instead this distance is far too convenient
I miss knowing you, those little things
that that make you up, make me want you
you look like the picture on the front of the box
I would try to put you back together
but you're holding all the pieces
i thought I had things figured out
and then I saw a smile in a cloud
looking down on me, oh yeah,
I thought was familiar
and the grey skies did a double take
to see you standing there, oh, standing there
don't fret, my dear
always mumbling under breath
with such a concerned look
tired of the same no place game but thriving on abstract ideas
maybe nothing will ever make sense
and then what?
oh, I waited for an answer
how I held on your every word
even though my heart was racing
my ears were all that heard
how I hated the uncertainty
that filtered all my thoughts
kept me clinging to distraction
till my mind was all but lost
I though surely this would be the one
i though surely you would be the one
dead to this but that's okay
we weren't meant to live with all our senses engaged
so entertain me and cover my eyes
your curse is a blessing in disguise
why can't I evoke a response
at the sound of a voice I knew
it was more of a persuasion
to strong for me to fall into
no one dares tell you
honesty can't be a mistake
but if it is, if it is,
well then this is the price I pay
everything's all wet
it's playing in my head
and I see the sky is falling down
got my wish I'm told
my fingers are cold
but everything makes perfect sense, oh yeah
never won or lost
a line I haven't crossed
a better judge of distance in my hands
not to be absurd
but I wonder what was heard,
I could have sworn I heard
won't you say something
oh yes please say............somethi
if I could stop my head
maybe I would just be boring
don't bother with the dial
this is only a recording
i'm watching digital sand in red
pull one minute closer to the morning
I'll be awake till then
numbers blinking out a warning
so why pull the blinds down tonight
pretend that everything is all right
when you and I both know it'll never be the same again
so now I lay me down to rest
try to forget about what we said
shut my eyes for a while and wait for the morning light to come
if I could just say so
send a mental image forward
the low level of the hours
this is your commom sense reporting
there's an inconsitency
one foot over too far to the left
grey streets of london I've never seen but somehow, I know
and the city is all right, it's no paradise
but I can walk the concrete
and pretend I'm somewhere else
brush the hair from your eyes
and try again
to drive a winding melody around my head
you know I used to think you were a little bit strange
but that was such a long time ago
cross country infatuation
I though of you, miles away
well enough to know
a simple revelation that keeps me waiting
words that touched my soul
I thought of me,
holding back
putting in the distance
daring to do nothing but slip away unoticed
and wait to be missed
it's a tragedy
held up
underneath the unstable hands of humaness
overhead and casting shadows
the chill of being in the shade forgotten
in the search for a place in the sun
been replaced by these vauge and distant shadows
dancing across the walls in my dreams
my fingers reaching to trace them along the edges
feeling nothing but the coldness of plaster underneath
trying to understand the consequeces scattered
across the floor as excuses for my fears held inside
confused with someone else's and waiting to be claimed
no consolation for doubting the reaction would be kind
she lies
to herself about how she'll be just fine
she slides
to the floor and she covers her eyes
she cries
and she rages till she's broken inside
she's tried
for far to long to leave it behind
I am not the sum of your opinions
and I am not the freedom in your way
I am not the one to live inside your edges
running harder I can't stay
I am not your broken daydream
and I am not your quiet strength
I am not the one to measure up too
or lay my soul to mark it's length
cry for the loss of innocent spirits
cry for the death of a simple trust
cry for the angels you see in your shadows
crippled love turned ashes to dust
I am not you hardened conscience
and I am not your honest voice
I am not the one to carry out your wishes
demanding never asking left no choice
I am not the enemy that haunts you
and I am not your closest friend
I am not the river of your drowning
or the hand that grabs you in the end
cry for the loss of fragile hopes
cry for the death of a secret kept
cry for the ones who mourn your sweet hatred
twisted footsteps leave crooked steps
and the least of these will not be forgotten
doubt consumes you
lies whispered in your ears
one who seeks to kill
inches from victory
you think the truth has turned upon you
revealing why you can not face tomorrow
or so it seems
weakness in your eyes
blinded by the pain
that betrays your mind tonight
life is not dependent
on what you know it is to live
deceived by the same posion
of an apple that's long rotted
and a serpent selling fruit
but what is truth
is not altered by what seems
or what's believed
and it won't bend for you
I promise
in contemplation of relationships at noon
I can't remember what was so important
more important than sitting around here
watching tv all night
falling asleep just to wake up and turn the channel
nothing good was on so I didn't miss much
guess now would be a good time to turn it off
need to understand that life's not as simple
as walking out the door towards the car
where would it take me
getting there just to realize maybe I've gone to far
no place to call my own you're always there
back up, I need some room to breathe
I just can't let you in
love is not meant for some and I think it's me
or maybe it's just the way the sun is shining
kind of crooked in my eyes and I can't see
feel a bit clumsy
like first thing in the morning
got to get up and chase away the dreams
I can't remember and even if I do forget
my name and all the reasons I used to rely on
I know I don't want to be alone
cary grant
whistling in the rain
listening to music
but you didn't dance
and neither did I
ben
there was nothing in the tilt of your head
to suggest honest inspiration
played out in a few simple notes
why you came so far
brown eyes and a smile
reaching out like I was something to hold on too
your motive lingers
under the guise of polite conversation
I wish I could see the ocean
stand beside it and feel so small
while the coolness of the waves chills my toes
and somehow I feel close to you
I don't want to hold on too tight
I think I did that before, I was scared
and grasping at thin air by the handfuls
to keep breathing
but it wasn't right, and I'm sorry
love is not the thing of daydreams
it's something harder and more painful
but to feel it is to know in the center of your being
life you never knew you weren't living
and to realize how dead you really were
the air is hard tonight
cold with malice and helplessness
a feeble rage is all I can muster in defense
of this writhing, twisting fate of myself
to walk away from your own soul
is it mutiny or mercy?
there's a sweet detachment
sensing an ease of mind and body
everything fades to a level almost gone
I listen to the music and just smile
knowing that it's out of my hands
and that's the best place for it
I'm a foolish girl to worry like I do
I won't ever change and I won't walk away
but I can play the game of best foot forward
if it pleases you and I'm sorry if it does
I'm too much a part of me to forget
so if you think I'm someone else
you're probably right.
church every sunday morning
every sunday night
gotta fill the pew
to make 'em think you're all right
never mind the bruise underneath your shirt
your soul is what they want
little boy blue, so blue
forget the things they keep telling you
daddy didn't some home again
and momma's crying
little boy blue, so blue
forget the things they did to you
say your prayers before you sleep
and pretend that God can hear
yellow-hard hats and coffee don't mix
tangled up in these frayed emotions
sorry you head to bear the brunt
of unfiegned interest
and the hero I built in my dreams
to worship or spurn at any given time
no one to blame but ourselves
and vanity mixed with pride
hoping for something better
than the illusion given off by the glow
of these flouresent lights
reflecting the truth of our pitiful lies
lonely laughing
and together we cry
the sky's about to open up
and we'll be running for cover
but you didn't know
and I didn't know
the reasons we get so caught up
in meaningful and being meant
and that some how we can't undo
what we were so sure of to begin with
everyone's sorry and everyone's wrong
but tomorrow it's the same old game
with one or two less players
to even out the score
opinion matters only to those who agree
throwing out wisdom
to beggars and wind
something to be proud of in our struggle
to become gods of all we see
leaving a vause sense of uneasiness
in the wake of failure
redoubling our efforts to pursue
whatever we deem human
and in need
the sign says exit
I turn off
familiar as a second glance
but it's not the same
as what I knew
and what I left to chance
fence posts pass
like counting memories
here but not to stay for long
train tracks cross
like friends forgotten
embrace but now they're gone
give it time, give it time
everything waits on you
passing through
once I thought
once I saw
clearly as a summer moon
the lines I drew
traced in the sand
erased by wind too soon
rain falls softly
I should go
chased away from
lingering throughts
and answers
I won't know
give it time, give it time
everything waits on you
just passing through
who am i
but a girl to say I could own you
you were never
in reach of these hands
sweeter still
are the things I could have told you
that we
who are not meant understand
but oh,
how I want what I want
and oh,
how hard I hold on
and oh,
how I fool myself into thinking
you were mine right or wrong
who are you
but a God of so little importance
that I swayed
with my heart am so quick to deny
this love
for the sake of the loss
that my conscience implied
but oh,
can I trust what you know
is it worth
having no claims of control
if it means
you to be far from me
is it still love enough to let go
its screaming of the way you used to be
and it's holding me here now
just can't get away, no
just won't let me go
and all it takes is a little pride
and I'm falling again
I hope that someday
I'll take a step back
put some space between us
and a step ahead
in a forward direction
find myself somewhere
you've never been
where you can't hurt me anymore
the pain will fade to love
and pity to compassion
until I will say with pride
I am yours
Brewing slander, windy minds
with nothing better
on their bloody hands than killing time
fly away blackbird, fly away crow
the scattered seeds
of discord have found a place to grow
hey I heard that song before, only wasn't it mtv
you do that stuff pretty good for just some chick off the street
well I'd love to stay and listen but I really have to go
you know how it is when, yeah, when, well, you know
but hey girl, thanks for the melody, you can count me a fan
I'd love to give you a something, you know, give you a hand
but you know how it is, hey yeah, you understand
here's a quarter anyway, get yourself out of this old town
see ya in the big time honey, yeah, I'll see ya around
don't you ever stop to think,
no you never stop to think about anything do you
your ignorance is oh-so-typical about this sort of thing,
how about a round of applause, a standing ovation
you can't buy the music, it's not for sale,
yeah you can't buy the music cause it's not for sale
but would that make you happy? would it make you happy
cause that's what it all comes down to, motivation yeah,
and if that's your problem boy, that's it all right,
just don't call me on a saturday night
not on a saturday night
hang up the phone, you're all alone, no one is hearing you cry
can't understand things, every day brings, another reason to lie
saving youself, no, not anyone else, from the things that you do
no surprise there, never did care, unless it could benefit you
taking it, always faking it, always living it, can't get away
playing it, always praying it, always wishing it, would all go away
heard it all before, never any cure, won't talk back this time
looking for a reason, didn't really need one, that suits you just fine
Restless the cold night calls don't give in, don't give in sliding my foot falls you could win, you could win breaking I try
to fight will you cry, will you cry waiting till this is right pass me by, oh, pass me by what you wanted it to be won't
be all you had when what you really needed was sliding through your hands could you let this moment go and
remember all you knew then it would be a memory but all I have is you morning comes once again can you see, can
you see confusion was all to blame it wasn't me, it wasn't me losing was the driving force I didn't know, I didn't know
fearing was the root of course let it go, just let it go would you please forgive me because it's all I knew
there's an inconsitency
one foot over too far to the left
grey streets of london I've never seen but somehow, I know
and the city is all right, it's no paradise
but I can walk the concrete
and pretend I'm somewhere else
the damage of self-righteousness
dangerous to have returned
too well known leaves no room to change
without being held back
by those who claim to know you
fighting this battle all alone in the middle of your army
it's a wonder you haven't already fallen
sensible or stupid
I think I could like you
but that would mean to put aside my inhibitions
however wise or foolish they may be
and to lose control just isn't my style
damn this being sensible
it's interfered with my ability to be human
I want you to make me fall
but I don't want to be at the mercy of your smile
a mistake I never minded making
or will I wish I hadn't ever had the choice
it's not your fault whatever happens
in over my head
I'm holding these standards high above my head
no one could live up to them
why should I keep trying
because anything less than perfection is unlovable
my mind whispers to me over and over
stop
be quiet
let me be
stop please, be quiet
let me rest a while
don't even know what I'm failing at
just have this vauge feeling that I am
it tears away at me
nagging harder, faster, harder
mocking my attempts with the futility of it all
give up, give in, it cries
never!
too afraid to find I am worth nothing
I'd hold on to these ranting lies in false comfort
a crude and self-inflicted solace
as punishment for my shortcomings
a faint but persistent trust in Me
winds it's way into my raging thoughts
I am still and silent
You are God.
an afternoon in the park
interestingly enough I understand
though we have nothing in common
besides balloons floating freely above our heads
how high will they go before we lose sight of them?
yours was yellow and looked so small next to the sun
it didn't matter to you the size and that's what I noticed
mine was pink but I never really liked that color anyway
sometimes dreams aren't quite what we expect them to be
and we can't do anything but let them go
April 22, 2003
there's panic on the horizon
as close as your words
if someone saw me reach for you
I missed
now even the stars are condecending
April 12, 2003
fourth grade
nervously twisting the phone cord around my
fingers
you smelled so good, it made my head swim to be
near you
my voice seemed so painfully loud and awkward,
like me
and I wanted so badly to be someone else, with
smooth brown hair and flawless skin
a charming laugh and shy smile, to tilt my head
in a way that would captivate you
for the first time I wish I had paid more
attention to how this goes
I never felt the sting of impossibility before,
with such a warning force
a strange ache in my chest of resignation and
acceptance
if not for these, I would be the girl who falls
in love with you
March 21, 2003
stop and listen to yourself
so what if I talk
out of the corner of my mouth
the part of your hair
and the shade of your sweater
never told the future
as far as you and me
am I holding out or scared
one hand waving as the other pushes away
a walking contradication
one way or the other I'm still alone
am I being pulled down or held up
falling off the edge at the wrong time
is worse than never flying
these wings may never be strong enough